It’s been a hell of a year. I can’t thank people enough for coming to the show last night. And it’s totally understandable for anyone that wanted to but couldn’t, or even was mildly interested but didn’t. I hadn’t played a show since December 27th of last year, and for awhile before that I found myself having a really shaken confidence with what I was doing.
In the winter they found a nodule on my left vocal cord and I needed surgery. My decision was pretty much made for me to stop doing music. For a while, I resigned to that as a built-in excuse to quit. It made me miserable, and that is a big reason as to why I became very fond of drinking. Everything felt very stale and unsatisfying.
I never felt as alone, or as disappointed with myself and alot of the people and things in my life, as I did the past year. I wanted to die for awhile. I deliberately spent alot of time alone to better examine myself, my life, and the people and things in it. I both fell out of favor with some people while befriended alot of people, but for awhile I wouldn’t say that people saw who I really was, and that I was idly in transition. However, I’ve been mostly sober for the past 2 months. I love the music I’m making now. I plan on putting all my efforts into making this work as well and for as long as I possibly can, and it’s awesome to be in it with a bunch of other dudes that want it just as bad. We’re all really anxious to see what you guys think of the music coming out VERY soon.
I’d say I’ve been more myself of late, but that’s a hard thing to say as I feel like we’re always transforming in some way. It’s up to the individual whether they evolve/progress or they consciously try to enforce a change. While that is up to the individual to decide what that means, it often is pretty obvious whether or not things are going well. I hope the many people I’ve been lucky to meet in the past year see a difference in me now from the drunken mess, and I hope that my old friends that I fell out of favor with see that I’m not the person I was 4 years ago nor am I the person I was 8 months ago. I’m not one for endearing myself, so I wouldn’t be surprised if these things go unrealized.
Things can get really bad. Things and people you love can fall apart on you. Actually, they will. And you’ll act emotionally rather than rationally. Shit will get worse. But when you bottom out, take a second to realize the who’s, what’s, why’s, and how’s of what got you there. And build yourself up to be better than what you were before. And holding grudges is fine as long as they don’t become the guide to your life. Because if all you seek is to be the photo-negative of someone or something, then you won’t be anything.
I’m putting everything that’s been on my mind for the past few years into this new band. It’s a blessing to get to really let these birds of many different colors out. If anyone finds things they can relate to or identify with, then that is just a whole universe of awesome to me.
I hope you know I’m happy now.